As you might already know, i am not a great blogger at all. I do not publish a post in regular basis and i do not write much. Maybe, sometimes, i wrote some short passages in my notes. Something that when i read again in the future, will make no sense. Or showing how melancholic i am. Or even on how strong i am. I don’t know, it depends on the passage i read. But, this time i want to write something a bit different: on how i have been.

Getting back to school after 7 years was tough. When most of my classmates are 25-ish brilliant fresh undergraduated students, i felt like an idiot sometimes. I barely remembered how to calculate derivatives, let alone integral. I still remember i sat in Physics class, trying hard to understand all the equations on the old green board with white chalk written on it. Some of the Professors taught like a speed of lightning, maybe faster. The only reason i could survive these kind of subjects (read: hard core engineering) was because of my classmates. Indeed some of them are competitive, but most of them are kind. They are willing to teach you from basic, like how to calculate resistance in series and parallel. That basic. They are very patient with my “5 Why” questions all the time.

The only kind of subjects i am quite good at is something related to business, management, and something in between. Financial reports, balance sheet, ROI, payback time, inventory control, pricing, and so on. But, please.. I am not good at theoretical economics at all. Unfortunately, that course was mandatory and voila! I barely passed the course. I somehow did not like the subject at all and refused to study for exam until the very last day. The most important thing is I passed. This might be a brief introduction on my master degree as my life is not all about studying, but i might write more in the future.

As my life continued, I … had some serious heart breaks. Its not totally about romantic relationships, but also about family and friends. There were some times where i felt i like someone, but because of my complicated situation, i played it cool. Too cool perhaps. What were so complicated? I can not promise anything. I still have dreams to pursue and i do not know where it will bring me. I even do not know where i will be next year when today is already December. Here in Freiburg? Maybe yes, maybe not. Or maybe i should see relationship more like French. Should i?

I lost a mentor too. He practically disappeared like a thin air. But somehow, i understood that he has his own reasons. And i respect that. But it does not mean things are easy. Thats when i stop holding on anyone. Not because i was afraid to get hurt. Nor to get left behind once more. But, i felt that the only person who will understand this journey is me and as simple as that.

Therefore, indeed, i cry, a lot. Born as a high sensitive people, i feel feelings as deep as it could be. But i am not sad. Its just, things are harder this way. However, this is the first time that i felt that i am closer to the dream. That it is actually become a possible target, not just a theory. Thats why i am working really hard to make it happen. I don’t ask why me, or why at all. This time, I just try to make it happen. I am working on several projects right now, all related to sustainability and education at large. Finger crossed all going well!

And thats why i have to let go.. some parts inside of me. I can’t have it all. Its not that i am not a selfish person, i am not that kind either. Its just not possible in these circumstances. Have you experienced when your instinct say something? Something that you actually do not wanna hear because it means you are losing something precious, but you just know that your instinct is right? It is exactly what i feel. How do i survive this? Breath, love. Just breath. This too shall passed.

Maybe a silver lining from all of this is unexpectedly, with time played its trick, i discovered an old friend who no matter how strange i sounded, always had my back. He live far away but somehow our path crossed in such a way. He even opened a “door” for me to my next challenge. Something i never know could happen this fast in a foreign country. In a short period of time, he became my crucial support system that i could not lose. If you read this, you know who you are, and i sincerely hope you stay as long as it can be in my life. And no, we are not romantically involved. Not all the things between man and woman should relates to romantic experience. Come on! We are more evolved than that!

To close this post, i would like to say something important. Most of the people i met always look at me as an independent woman. But no man is an island, and no woman is an island too, including me. I have reached this point not solely because of me, but also these invisible hands that helped me during this year. Invisible, not because i could not see them, but because you could not see them, yet. And i hope, i could reach this “proud” point where i am good enough to introduce them to you. One day, one by one.

Gute Nacht aus Freiburg,

.runa.