Jamie (my Canadian uncle) once said this,
Some of the friends we made at that special retreat will inevitably fade and disappear from our lives. I’m thinking you will not. Our door is always open to you.
He was totally right. No matter how special the collision (or serendipity) of strangers i met along this journey, some would stay and some would not. It was painful to think something that was so valuable for me would disappear. Friendships, family-ship, and falling in love. At some point, it was excruciating. I remembered months later, i cried in my dream and continue crying when i woke up. I never felt this way before; when all my receptors opened and i just overwhelmed with all stimulus that came inside. I always tried to avoid and control that.
Cry is not always about sadness. Sometimes, its about healing. About thirty years ago, biochemist Frey found that emotional tears carried more protein than non-emotional ones. The implication was that when you cry for emotional reasons, you are involved in a healing process. Full article can be found here.
Is it true? Well, i might need to start a research and write a scientific journal to be exactly precise. And it might take years. But, what i could tell was i felt better and matured afterwards. Like learning a lesson from each scar of life, to be poetic.
But, i also treasured each happy and loving memories. Each smile. Each laugh. The reckless nights. The super moon. The Flawless Imperfection by Chris. Girls night out. Once a Year thing with Vanessa. Late night chats. Building IKEA shelf with Uncle. Walk nowhere with Marc. Eating backwards. A mutual friend’s surprise. A finally face-to-face meeting with ex-colleague. Reunions. And to feel loved, by so many people.
Back in Paris, i visited two main places. First, The Catacombs of Paris, a sacred site with thousands of human’s skeletons. Please buy the tickets online to avoid queue. Second, Notre Dame. Yes, i came back to where it started before. Be careful on what you wish for, i started with a wish to come back to Europe one day, but now when my friends asked me if i want to go to Paris with them, i politely refused. “Already too many times“, i said. Of course, i would like to visit Paris again, but now i am curious to go to places i never been. Priorities, girls!
To recap, this might be the most “luxurious” holiday i have been. It was not because i stayed in five-stars hotel nor because i travelled in business class seat, i didn’t do any of that. Luxury nowadays is not solely about money anymore; its too old-school to still believe money is everything. Luxury becomes something we don’t take for granted, something that not all of us have in “normal” society life. And for me it was freedom.
To live each day free from expectation, preconception, and social pressure. To do what i want to do, instead of what i “should” do. To be able to say “i don’t care” if people staring. To say f*ck you once in a while. To be honest to self. To just connect with my surroundings. To shake off these pre-mold society shapes. and, at the end, to be as pure as i could be.
By end of the journey i knew that i could not go back to the point i was. I have my own ambitions and dreams. To pursue them might be the craziest thing i would do. The risk, the chance that i might fail. Not to mention the embarrassment of leaving a “good life” behind for something unknown. But i could not, not to try. Because if did not try, i would always wondering how my life would be. And i can not live with that kind of mind state.
Then i said to myself, “I will give myself a year to do things i feel i want to do and ignore what people say about it. The countdown is the day i resigned. And if one year later i do not make any progress, i will face the consequences.”
Its interesting to observe on what happen in just a year long, i will share it with you in next blog post. Now, i want to take time to give an appreciation to my dear friend, Jimpoo – thats how i call him. I met him when i was in junior high school, about 15 years ago. Originally my plan was to come back to Indonesia between weddings of my great friends. One was in October, just before i departed. And the other one was his wedding, in December.
When i was in Napoli, i changed my traveling plan to be home on 1st January instead. Meaning, i would miss his special day. He was there when my Dad passed away and i wanted to be there in his important moment. I felt really bad but i have to choose. Then, i called him. I told him that i need to do this and asked if he would understand. He accepted my decision and said, “If you are in Indonesia or close by right now, i will not forgive you if you do not come. But you are far away now, so its okay.”
To you Jimpoo –
“I know that, now and then (like you “joked” in Chan’s wedding), you would not forget that i did not attend your wedding. Thats the consequence that i am responsible for. But, seriously, thank you for the understanding. Giving a chance to experience this trip wholesomely and whole-heartedly.”
And to all of you who follow me through my journey in total 22 posts, i hope you enjoy it as much i as i did enjoy writing them. Be healthy, be happy, be awesome, guys and girls!
See you on next post!